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This Week's Tip:
SITUATION: Our daughter is three, but usually ends up sleeping with us all night. I have tried everything, but nothing seems to help. She will come into our room and say she is scared. I put her back in her room, but it does not help.
TIP: Your child is manipulating you! She knows that she will be able to sleep with you, so nothing you do will make any difference. Think WE! What is best for the family? It is obvious it is better for both you and the child that she sleep in her own bed. Set the WE boundary and decided that for the best of all concerned, she will not sleep in your bed anymore. Smile, look directly at her and say to the child, “It is best for us that you stay in your bed, so that is what is going to happen from now on.” The child will hear the firmness in your voice and with your WE resolve; she will not sleep with you anymore. She will try to manipulate by acting scared or crying, but once she knows that the WE is firm, she will be happier!
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Tip Archive:
SITUATION: I can’t get my husband to discipline his sons. He says that is my job. I am losing respect for him, since he just wants to be “buddies” with his sons.
TIP: It looks like you have background differences that keep you from forming a WE as parents. Your father probably was the disciplinarian and his mother probably handled the discipline. So you both expect the other person to step in and hold the line. To overcome this glitch in your parenting, immediately form a WE and discipline the sons together. Whenever something needs to be addressed, instead of waiting for your husband to discipline, look at him and smile, “Whoops, looks like something that WE have to handle together.”
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SITUATION: I feel like the fifth wheel in my family. I am gone much of the week on business and when I come back home, what I feel does not seem to matter. When I correct my children, they act as if I didn’t say anything and my wife usually pushes my attempts to discipline aside and does it her way and lets them get by with everything. It is so frustrating; I find myself getting angrier and angrier, blowing up more frequently. But this just seems to alienate me further from them.
TIP: It is obvious that the two of you do not parent as a WE. Your spouse is used to parenting by herself and resents it when you come in and try to force things to be your way. The solution is not to get more angry and force a power struggle, but the solution is to form a WE and parent as a WE. When you come back home and notice something that needs to be addressed, instead of correcting it yourself, look at your spouse, smile, and say, “How are WE going to handle this?” Also ask your spouse to say “WE” when parenting while you are gone.
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SITUATION: We have a son that is 20 years old and is still at home. He does nothing around the house and says that he does not have to have any rules. He is working, but we give him his meals and do everything for him. I am getting more frustrated with his laziness and his late hours.
TIP: Your son is stuck emotionally and is not growing up. He likes his situation, since he has the security of being taken care of, yet has all the freedom he wants. The solution is to form a WE with your spouse and treat him like an adult, but set the boundaries of the household that are best for all concerned! Look at each other a smile, then say, “WE have decided that it is best for us that you are home at a decent hour so we can get some sleep. It is also best for us that we each pitch in around here to keep the family going. So it is your choice. If you choose to be a part of our family, you have chosen to live within these guidelines. If you chose not to live within these guidelines, you have just chosen not to be a part of our family. WE hope you chose to be a part of our family … but it is your choice.”
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SITUATION: Our 17-year-old daughter is spending time with the wrong crowd. I have talked to her, but she says that it is none of my business. Yet I see her grades dropping and she has withdrawn from the family. I suspect that she is getting involved with alcohol and sex. She says she is just waiting until she is 18 and can live on her own.
TIP: She is not acting like a 17-year-old since she is hiding things from you and is stuck in a rebellious, withdrawal stage. You must form a WE with your spouse and confront the situation. You may have to use some “WE” anger. I know you have gotten angry with her, but this is different from “WE” anger. You and your spouse look at each other and smile, and then say with definite firmness, “WE have decided that your behavior is too immature for a 17-year-old; therefore we will not let you go out with your friends until you show a greater maturity. WE must protect you until you are grown up and can be on your own.” This is WE anger that sets the WE boundaries that are completely firm. This is now what is going to happen
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SITUATION: I have three children and we have just gone through a nasty divorce. I am worried about two of them. One has gotten very rebellious and out of control. The second one seems to be very withdrawn and will not communicate. The child I am not worried about is my youngest who does everything I ask and gives me no problems.
TIP: The sad fact is that divorce and the breakdown of the WE always produces deep anxiety within the child and the child usually gets “stuck” at that emotional age. Your three children reflect the three strategies that children usually adopt to cope with their anxiety. A child will become rebellious in order to gain more control. A child will become withdrawn to gain security in their inner world of fantasy. But a child will also become over compliant to gain security by pleasing and keeping other people happy. Each of these strategies represents the child getting “stuck” and are equally damaging to the emotional welfare of the child. To help them and your family, start “Thinking WE” and react to them as a WE. Also form a WE with their teachers to help strengthen the family WE. The strong bonds of a church community can also help strengthen the WE of your family.
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SITUATION: I thought things would be better after the divorce, since we would no longer be fighting. But now there seem to be the same number of fights, only now it is with one of my children.
TIP: Any time there is a divorce, one of the children has a “spell” cast on him/her. That child feels compelled to act just like the absent parent. Apparently this creates some sense of security to keep that “old relationship” you had with your former spouse alive. Check once, doesn’t it feel like your child is acting just like the absent parent? The bad news is that the child will get stuck emotionally with this “spell” and over-focus on keeping this old relationship alive. The good news is that you can break this “spell” by changing your half of the relationship. Now that you know what is going on, you do not have to react like you did to your former spouse. You can shift by “Thinking WE” and take charge of .the parenting responsibility in a new way. Then you can say, “It is not good for US that you become disrespectful. Let’s talk about how WE are going to handle this situation.”
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SITUATION: We have a 14-year-old son and seem to disagree on what he should be allowed to do. It seems like a power struggle all the time since I usually want to give him more freedom and my spouse wants to keep tighter control on him.
TIP: Either one of you can stop the power struggle and form the WE. In fact, the WE is a totally different set of emotions and reactions. Instead of saying, “I disagree with how you handled that” (power struggle), shift from ME to WE and say, “Let’s decide how WE are going to handle this situation.” Feel the change in your emotions as you shift from your own internal feelings to the space between the two of you as you say, “WE.”
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SITUATION: I am a single parent and find myself “losing it” with my five-year-old daughter. She is constantly demanding something and will not leave me alone until I satisfy her.
TIP: Your faith can help! Normally you react out of your natural emotions (call this your “old” self). Your child has spent five years getting to know how to manipulate your guilt, frustration, etc. No wonder she can push your buttons and get you going. Your faith gives you a new set of emotions and reactions. This is called the “new self.” See if you can feel the difference as you try the following. First imagine your daughter demanding that you give her a snack immediately and feel the annoyance as you react angrily. Now take a breath and walk 12 inches from your upset stomach to your heart, where Christ lives. Spend a few moments in prayer, asking God to help you “Think WE, not ME.” Feel a new set of emotions as you “Think WE.” Now you will be able to react differently to your daughter with a loving firmness that can say, “It is not good for us that you eat something right now. Then you will not be hungry for lunch. So the answer is ‘No.” With the “new self” in charge, your child will feel the change in you and will be much more likely to respect this as a true boundary! She will see the firmness in your eyes and voice and will realize that you are also looking out for her welfare.
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SITUATION: This is the second marriage for both of us. We each have two children from our previous marriage. We thought the kids would warm up to our relationship once we were married, but, if anything, they seem more intent on breaking us apart.
TIP: It is natural for children to want to break the blended family apart, since they want the original parents back. This gives you some idea of how powerful the original family unit is for the security of the children. They will do all they can to get it back and will not warm up to a stepparent, feeling that they will be disloyal to their natural family and parents. However, there is good news. When the WE of the blended family gets strong enough, the children will come around as they feel the security it brings. They will actually end up supporting the new WE!
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SITUATION: I am a single parent. My child does not listen to me. No matter what I do, I cannot get her to obey. I feel like I have no power.
TIP: Your child has your number. There is a natural authority that parents have to care for the child and the child knows and will respect this. However, if the child can get you angry, make you feel guilty, or can ignore you successfully, the child does not have to obey. The first step for you is to “Think WE.” You are the parent and you must consider what is best for the family and the child. You can ask for the child’s input, but it is up to you to form the WE of the family and set the boundaries so that the family can operate in a healthy manner. Then when you feel the confidence of your role as parent, get the child to look you in the eye as you say, “We all have things to do to keep the house clean. You are a part of this family and will help us by keeping your room clean.” It will be the firmness and tone of voice that will show the child that this is a boundary. This is much more effective than yelling, threatening, or giving in to the child.
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